Sacred Scared

I love the Momastary blog.  I don't always agree with everything she has to say, but I so admire her courage, her honesty and her vulnerability.  She is currently doing a series she has entitled "Sacred Scared" and she has had various well-known bloggers share their biggest fear.

So, I got to thinking about my biggest fear.

I've had a hard time figuring out how to put it into words, but here goes...

My biggest fear is that I won't accomplish what God has put me on this earth to do.

Ever since I can remember, I have felt like I had a huge purpose in my life.  I've searched for it.  I've sought it out in places that were so clearly not it.

I love my life.  I adore my husband and kids (though, we have our days...trust me).  I work at a job that I still walk in the building and thank God for everyday because I love it so much and feel so blessed to be paid to do it.  I have awesome friends.  I do fun stuff.  My church is great.

Yet, I still feel a void.  Like I'm supposed to be doing something more.  Am I supposed to champion a cause?  Am I supposed to be a writer?  A speaker?  Am I supposed to start a non-profit?  Am I supposed to quietly lead my life and encourage in everyday ordinary ways?

Here's the thing...I do not want to be ordinary.  But I struggle with a little thing called my ego.  I like being told, "Good job."  So, when I aim to do something I really pray to not make it about myself.

I believe there is something out there waiting for me to grab hold of and be passionate about.  Something that will help other people and bring glory to my Lord.

So, what exactly is it that God has put me here to do?  Am I already doing it or is there more?  Frankly, I believe there is more.  I just pray that I don't miss it.

Just keepin' it real.

How comfortable should we be?

So, I like to be comfortable.

Comfortable clothes (tee and jeans, thank you!  Ooh and flip flops!), comfortable temperatures, hanging out with people I'm comfortable with.  I like to know what to expect.  And I feel best when I have done something before so there are no surprises.

Recently I posted the following as my status on Facebook:

It's time to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Jillian Michaels says this on one of her workout DVDs, and I thought it could apply to many areas of life.

My husband and crazy friends hijacked my comment section and had a field day.  It began with Dave suggesting I start in the kitchen.  Ha!

But about being a Christian...

I've always thought that to be a "good" Christian (maybe effective is a better word?), you should be out of your comfort zone all the time.  A speaker at our church once said that you can't be a comfortable Christian.

I've always agreed with that.  Haven't necessarily always lived it, if ever.  Which has often created a lot of guilt.

But then I read a thought provoking blog post called Being in Your Element by my high school buddy, and it got me to thinking.  Perhaps there is something to be said about the magic that can occur when we are in our element.  We each have talents that God has blessed us with.  Surely, we can use those to further His Kingdom and bring Him glory.  And still be in our comfort zone.

I really admire Jen Hatmaker.  She wrote a book called 7 that, if I could ever be so brave, I would love to emulate in  my life.  The whole thing is about being out of your comfort zone and not doing the status quo.  Whoa!  Talk about life-changing.  And motivating yet terrifying!

This woman spends a good portion of her time with the homeless.  And she takes her kids with her!  She and her husband decided one day to give it all up and pursue God with all of their hearts.  Awesome!

I have this bad habit of saying that I know what I need to be doing more of in my life to bring God glory and show love to others to spread the good news of Christ, but I'm just not sure yet what that's going to look like for my life.

Really??  That just sounds like an excuse.  A lame one, at that.  I know exactly what it can look like in my life.  I'm just putting off doing it.

It will require stepping out of my comfort zone from time to time.  But perhaps I really can shine for Christ where I am comfortable.

Or?  Here's a thought...

How about every time I stretch myself, it gets a little bit more comfortable?

Kind of like trying to do the splits.  I hear (not that I've tried recently) that after stretching and stretching, one eventually gets all the way down and ultimately can do it with no problem at all.

The more we get uncomfortable, the more comfortable we will feel.  Our comfort zone grows.  Then we won't have to worry about our comfort at all.  And we'll still be in our element because our element maybe changed and grew.  

Maybe Jillian Michaels is onto something?

Just keepin' it real.

Next time...Uncomfortable Speech

Why do we even have to eat?

So, I struggle with food.

I hesitate in sharing this with the concern that those who read it will totally watch what I eat whenever around me and judge me for poor decisions made.  But then I remember who I have actually shared this blog with so far, and I'm pretty sure you're not out to get me, so maybe I'm safe?

Here goes.

I love to eat.  Junk.

I love to eat junk.

French fries, cheeseburgers, pizza, ice cream, chocolate.  If it's bad for you, I probably love it.  And fruity desserts?  Am I the only one that thinks that is an oxymoron?  I mean if I wanted to eat healthy, I would eat fruit.  If I want dessert, give me chocolate!

Because of this fact, I make poor decisions.  Often.  And I love it in the moment.  But then the guilt settles in.

Oh, the guilt!

First of all, I do not enjoy cooking.  So we eat out a lot.  And not only is that bad for me, but it is terrible for my kids.  So not only do my actions affect me, they affect my kids.

Then there's the whole 1 Corinthians 6:19, 20  (¹⁹ Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? ²⁰ For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.) and 1 Corinthians 10: 31 (Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.) which are not necessarily talking about the food you eat, but I still believe it applies.

So the problem for me is I am not happy with my weight.  I have lost weight a couple of times and felt great but then it comes back because I go back to old habits.  So put bad body image together with worried about my eating habits being a sin and I am at my wit's end and so sick of the struggle.

I know that God offers grace, but I truly want to honor Him and glorify Him in everything I do.  And  I do not feel that I am in this area of my life.  For me, I believe that is a sin.

Romans 12 also comes to mind.  Paul begins the chapter the following way:

1I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. ² And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

Again I know that this is not really referring to food.  But I really feel it has a place here.

 Then there is the whole clean eating issue.  The whole processed foods is so bad and causes all kinds of health problems issue.  I am so not trying to make light of it, but when I dwell on it, it seriously scares me.

So, I desperately want to change my eating habits.  I have thought about this.  Talked about this. (Some of you who will read this know I do a LOT of talking about this.)   I've prayed about it.  I have asked God to take this temptation to eat junk away from me.  So far, He has not obliged.  But I am sure it is because He is teaching me something in this journey.

And God does show up.  Always.  In just the right ways.  All the sudden a blogger that I read has changed her way of eating and is writing all about it.  I feel like she is talking to me and answering all the questions I have along the way.

I've read Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst and even watched her videos.  The things she said are incredible.  But still I find it hard to put it in practice.

My diet HAS to change.  The blogger I mentioned did it cold turkey.  Then I've read this blog, and she has suggestions for making gradual changes which I tried.  But whenever I try to eat better, as soon as I screw up, it's all over.

I'm sick of it consuming me.  I mean, I often wonder what skinny people think about.  But I know that we all have some sort of issue that we deal with.  Food is mine.


Now, what am I going to do about it?  That is the question!

I want to end with the song I have been listening to constantly.  One line says, "Let me know the struggle ends."

I know there are people out there dealing with much bigger problems than mine.  I get that.  But this is my struggle.  And I would really love for it to end.

Just keepin' it real.

Did you mean to name me Peter?

So, lots on my mind on this Easter 2013.

If you have been to a ladies' day or women's retreat or really any general girls' bible class, you have heard about Mary and Martha.  Likely, a million times.  It seems to be the go-to lesson for females.  Are you a Mary or a Martha?  Myself?

I am a Peter.

See, as I was reading all four gospel accounts of Jesus' death and resurrection last night, what stood out to me each time (besides the magnificent suffering that Jesus went through for you and for me) were the details about Peter. 

Peter has gotten a bad rep.  He's the one who was passionate and did dumb things.  Hmm.  Sounds a little familiar.  I prefer to call him eager.

But here is what got me.  (I like Luke's account...chapter 22.)

It was so easy for him to deny Christ.

Whoa.

I mean, good grief, he was certainly brave when he cut off the guy's ear when they came to get Jesus.

Not very long after that at all, though, we see Peter denying Jesus not once, not twice but three times.  Incredible.  Was his faith that small?

But when he realized what he had done, he wept bitterly.  He didn't just shed a few tears.  I picture him falling to the ground shaking with sobs.  I also see him realizing that Jesus knew he was going to do this.  I see Peter feeling the gravity of Jesus' love anyway.  Regardless.  Nevertheless.

So, what is the rest of the story for Peter?  Is that it?  Did he realize what he did and go hang himself like Judas?  Thankfully, not.  But we do see him continue to act eagerly.

After Jesus had risen, he appeared to the disciples, so Peter already knew He was no longer dead.  In John 21, it says that Jesus appeared to the disciples again.

Verse 7 and 8- "7Therefore that disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord!” Now when Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he put on his outer garment (for he had removed it), and plunged into the sea. ⁸ But the other disciples came in the little boat (for they were not far from land, but about two hundred cubits), dragging the net with fish.

I find that picture pretty funny.  The boat wasn't that far from the shore, but Peter felt the need to jump in the water and swim to get to his Lord faster.

Okay, recap.

Peter was eager to impress Jesus.
As soon as it became hard, he bailed.
He realized his mistake and was brokenhearted.
He became eager to impress Jesus again.

That. is. so. me.

Just sayin'.  

I constantly want to impress Jesus.  I watch what I read, watch, listen to.  I study the bible.  I teach my kids about Jesus.  I seek to impress others and gain their admiration for my "christianness" (Just keepin' it real and is that even a word?)

Then I'm tempted by something and deny Christ and go after that temptation (whatever it might be).

Then I get mad at myself and rededicate and seek again to impress Jesus.

It is a vicious cycle.  But through the rest of Peter's story there is hope and realization.

Jesus restores Peter (John 21:15-19).  Peter goes on to preach on the Day of Pentecost and to several other groups of people.  Eventually, history and tradition say that Peter was crucified upside down by orders of Nero.  He asked to be crucified upside down because he did not feel worthy of crucifixion in the same manner as Jesus.

Did you see that?  How much Peter matured?

Today, I am not proud to say that I relate to Peter the most.

But I am on a journey.  As we all are.  And I hope and pray that I can mature in my faith to the point that Peter did.  Not that I'm asking to be crucified for my beliefs.  But if it came down to it, could I be?

Or would I deny Christ again?

Thankfully, God gave Peter another chance.  I believe my journey is full of second chances ordained by God. 

Maybe I should call those chances grace and mercy.  Lord, thank you for your continuous grace and mercy.  I am so undeserving.

Just keepin' it real.