Sacred Scared

I love the Momastary blog.  I don't always agree with everything she has to say, but I so admire her courage, her honesty and her vulnerability.  She is currently doing a series she has entitled "Sacred Scared" and she has had various well-known bloggers share their biggest fear.

So, I got to thinking about my biggest fear.

I've had a hard time figuring out how to put it into words, but here goes...

My biggest fear is that I won't accomplish what God has put me on this earth to do.

Ever since I can remember, I have felt like I had a huge purpose in my life.  I've searched for it.  I've sought it out in places that were so clearly not it.

I love my life.  I adore my husband and kids (though, we have our days...trust me).  I work at a job that I still walk in the building and thank God for everyday because I love it so much and feel so blessed to be paid to do it.  I have awesome friends.  I do fun stuff.  My church is great.

Yet, I still feel a void.  Like I'm supposed to be doing something more.  Am I supposed to champion a cause?  Am I supposed to be a writer?  A speaker?  Am I supposed to start a non-profit?  Am I supposed to quietly lead my life and encourage in everyday ordinary ways?

Here's the thing...I do not want to be ordinary.  But I struggle with a little thing called my ego.  I like being told, "Good job."  So, when I aim to do something I really pray to not make it about myself.

I believe there is something out there waiting for me to grab hold of and be passionate about.  Something that will help other people and bring glory to my Lord.

So, what exactly is it that God has put me here to do?  Am I already doing it or is there more?  Frankly, I believe there is more.  I just pray that I don't miss it.

Just keepin' it real.

Praise You in This Storm (and the Hallway)

Dave lost his job almost 2 weeks ago.  Friday will be his last day.  I have been through so many emotions in the past several days, it's hard to keep them all straight.  When I first found out the Holy Spirit reminded me of John 16: 33.  "...In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  From the moment I found out, I have trusted that God is going to see us through this.  He is going to provide for our family.  And He has a plan for us.

What I struggle with is the why.  Why did this have to happen to us?  It's not a typical lay-off, and the story is long and depressing and infuriating.  I was not expecting this to happen at all.  I had just found out I received tenure.  We are happy with our church and friends and family.  Things were going well.

Dave has said since day one that he is choosing to view this as a blessing in disguise.  I am so proud of his positive attitude.  He is working his tail off trying to find another job.  I told him I want him to find something that he loves.  If that means moving?  Well, then I will support him.

I read a quote the other day that I just love.  It goes, "Until God opens the next door for you, praise Him in the hallway." I don't know who said that, but I think it is amazing and definitely worth following.  God didn't promise that life would always be rosy and comfortable.  Maybe ours was getting too comfortable, and God felt the need to shake things up.

I don't know the reason.  But I am going to choose to praise Him and rely on Him.

A precious sweet girl suggested I read Psalm 77 today.  The writer has found himself in a pretty bad storm of life.  He begins questioning the Lord.  He starts asking,

⁷ Will the Lord cast off forever?
And will He be favorable no more?
⁸ Has His mercy ceased forever?
Has His promise failed forevermore?
⁹ Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has He in anger shut up His tender mercies? 

Sounds pretty desparate, huh?

But things turn around in verse 10 through the rest of the chapter.  He decides to stop wallowing and chooses to remember the good that God has done.  In verse 11, he says, "I will remember the works of the Lord; surely I will remember Your wonders of old."

God has done so many good things in my life.  I have no doubt of that.  So, while I don't understand what is going on right now, I'm going to choose to dwell on the good and to have faith that He will continue to bless me and my family.

Will there be hard days?  Absolutely.  One Sunday recently, I went to church and didn't want to talk to anybody and was pretty rude to my friends.  I felt awful.  Thankfully, they love me and accepted my apology.

I'm not perfect.  Frankly, I just don't even care if I come across that way or not.  There's a line in a song by JJ Heller that I love...
 "Perfection has a price
But I cannot afford to live that life
It always ends the same; a fight I never win"

Of course imperfection doesn't excuse being rude by any means.  But I think you know what I am getting at. 

So, some days will be hard.  It's amazing the roller coaster of emotions we have already felt.  But God is holding us close.  I can feel it.  It's like He is cradling me in His arms, whispering in my ear, "Shhh.  It'll all be alright.  You don't know it, but I have great things in store for you.  In My time, I will reveal them to you."

That, my friends, is so comforting.  How do people live without the peace of God in their lives?

Just keepin' it real.

Do you think I'm crazy?

So, on May 1st I am starting a month-long media fast.

What is that, you ask?

Well, I've mentioned before on here about Jen Hatmaker's book, 7.  Incredible book.  She takes seven areas of her life and gives up different things for a month at a time.

I read this book last summer and have wanted to figure out a way to do it in my life.  Two weeks ago, we were at our small group and our leader (who also happens to be our church's preacher) brought up this book and the notion that each of us volunteer to take one area for one month.

My friend, Ada, and I had both already read this book and talked about how we wanted to somehow do our own version.  I texted her after small group and said, "I guess God is giving us the kick in the behind to do this thing!"

Originally, I chose a different area.  I will talk about that in another post.  I'm doing that one in June.

But I also decided to sign up for the media fast.

Starting this Wednesday (yikes!), May 1 and going all month, I will not watch TV, do anything on my phone except make calls (if necessary), not be on the internet (this includes Facebook, all the many blogs I love, etc.), I will not listen to the radio, I will not watch DVDs (even to exercise).

I have made a few stipulations.  I can check my work email (obviously) and I will check my personal email up to twice daily.  I also am allowing myself to listen to CDs as long as they are Christian music.  I just cannot go a whole month without listening to music!  Also, I can text if it is a time-saver or necessary (for instance Farrah, my running partner texting to set up our running time, things like that)

I am both super excited and super nervous about this experience.  If you are around me, you probably know that I spend way too much time on my phone.  I LOVE to text and will text all day long.  Dave teases me about it.  I also like to check facebook, instagram, pinterest and play games on my phone.  Whatever will I do with those few minutes that occur all throughout the day with nothing to do?!?

I know that God is leading me to do this.  I plan to read the bible a lot, as well as other books.  I also plan to spend more time with my family.  More quality time because I gotta admit, I'm constantly checking my phone.  It's just plain habit now.  A habit I intend to break.

No, I do not believe media in and of itself is bad.  But I believe that unhealthy amounts of it is.   And perhaps I have reached the point?  Maybe?  Probably.

 I'm not really that worried about the TV part.  I don't watch that much, though Dave and I do like to relax on the couch in front of the TV a lot after the kids go to bed.  Guess we'll actually have to talk now.  Ha!

I'm so excited to share with y'all what I learn in this month.  And perhaps I'll get some clarity in my thinking without all the media to distract or sway or even cloud my thoughts.

I'll be back June 1.

Tune in to see what crazy thing I'm giving up next month!

Just keepin' it real!

Why am I the way I am?

So, I'm a christian.

There are so many facets to that statement, I don't even know where to start.  But last year, at a ladies' retreat, we were urged to write out our testimony.  Do you even know what a daunting task that is?  So, I along with 2 of my closest friends, opted out and chose to sit and chat instead.  An even stronger friendship between us blossomed that day, and I do not regret that decision at all.

This morning, though, as I was thinking about my blog and really what direction I want to go with it, I thought about this assignment.  So I am going to share my testimony with you, dear reader.  I do not want anyone who visits my blog to ever wonder where I stand in my faith or what my ultimate goal is in life.

My journey began as a baby being brought up in the church.  My dad was a preacher or minister for much of my life, and we moved around working with various churches.  In my family, we had nightly devotions including praying, singing and bible reading.  The picture I have of my father is him sitting in a chair with a bible in one hand and a book in another with a pen and notepad and books strewn around him.  There was never any doubt of my parents' strong faith in God and their desire to teach that to their children.

So, I grew up in the church and went every time the doors were opened.  We were always the first ones there and the last ones to leave.  We made some beautiful friendships that have lasted over the years.  I even went to a Christian college.

Some really great things happened there.  I met my husband, I made great memories in our choral group (The Sonshine Singers), and my bible knowledge deepened with the bible classes I got to take.

Fast forward a couple years.  Dave and I married and moved here.  This is where things get a little sticky.  And this is where it got uncomfortable, but I am so thankful for this time because without it I wouldn't be where and who I am today.

While I have no complaints of my upbringing, I was raised in an extremely conservative church.  Big deals were made over what you wore to church (and I'm not really talking about modesty), if you drank a sip of alcohol, if you clapped in church, what version of the bible you used, etc., etc.  Everything seemed to be on an imaginary checklist that, if you could mark it all off, you were golden, but if you missed even one, well, that was unacceptable.

I wasn't really able to put my thoughts and feelings into words, though, until we had attended our previous church for a couple years, and I just felt this restlessness in me.  Their emphasis on our own works and what we have to be doing missed the mark for me.  At times, I felt like we were not even reading from the same bible!

Thankfully, I have a remarkable husband who began to change his mind on a lot of things at the same time.  Actually, I truly believe God was working on our hearts simultaneously.  I believe He has big things planned for our little family, and He needs us to be on the same page.  On HIS page.

So, we began exploring our options.  Our thoughts on church had changed, but we did not want to leave what we were raised in.  We cautiously visited a church where, frankly, everything we had heard about them was negative.

I think from day one we knew this was where God was leading us. 

Here is something I have struggled with for a few years...is our ultimate aim in life as Christians to glorify God or to bring others to Him?  A few months ago our church came up with a new mission statement. "Making Disciples who Glorify God by Loving Him and Loving Others."  Perfect!  And accurate with what I read as being most important in God's eyes according to the bible.

This is the church I prayed for but doubted we would find.  I love how God works things out!

It is only in the last year and a half or so that I truly understand my purpose as a Christian and my place in the church.  I began to actually hunger and thirst after the Word and not merely read it because I was supposed to.  Grace became tangible to me (though my dad can preach a powerful sermon on grace, so I was exposed to it as a child but not enough as an adult).  Dying to myself became a goal (though I truly struggle and struggle every.single.day)  Loving others, truly loving them, has definitely become a priority.

Many I know might read this whole testimony and be offended that I am talking so much about what I think and how I feel and not enough about what the bible actually says.

So, here is what I base my faith and my Christian walk on:

*I would consider this my life verse.

 For God has not given us a spirit of fear,

 but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

2 Timothy 1:7

*I believe in the bible as the inspired word of God.  This take complete faith on my part.  I cannot prove to you that this is true, but I know it with all my heart.

¹⁶ All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, ¹⁷ that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.

2 Timothy 3:16,17

*I am a sinner saved by Christ who died on the cross and rose three days later!

 For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, 

but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. 

1 Corinthians 1:18

*There is a heaven and a hell, and every person will go to one or the other.  As Christians, we want to take as many with us as possible!

 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever 

 believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

 John 3:16

*God wants us to love Him above anything.  This should be our motivation for reading His word, praying, obeying Him, really all we do.  We don't do to gain His favor.  We do because we love Him!

³⁷ Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ ³⁸ This is the first and great commandment. 

Matthew 22:37-38

*God wants us to love everyone else and show that in our lives.

And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’
Matthew 22:39

*God will take care of me. 

And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches
in glory by Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:19

*God always wins.  And with Him, I do, too!

For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the

 victory that has overcome the world—our faith.

1 John 5:4

I do not claim to be a theologian by any means.  Nor do I have all the answers.  And I know that my journey is far from over.  My testimony will grow and evolve, and I'm pretty excited about that.  I just know that without God I would be lost, hopeless, alone, and afraid.

If you are reading this and are not sure what you believe about God, I would love to have a conversation with you.  Not as one who knows it all, but as a fellow human being in this crazy, twisted world simply searching for purpose.

I am praying for you.

Just keepin' it real.