Did you mean to name me Peter?

So, lots on my mind on this Easter 2013.

If you have been to a ladies' day or women's retreat or really any general girls' bible class, you have heard about Mary and Martha.  Likely, a million times.  It seems to be the go-to lesson for females.  Are you a Mary or a Martha?  Myself?

I am a Peter.

See, as I was reading all four gospel accounts of Jesus' death and resurrection last night, what stood out to me each time (besides the magnificent suffering that Jesus went through for you and for me) were the details about Peter. 

Peter has gotten a bad rep.  He's the one who was passionate and did dumb things.  Hmm.  Sounds a little familiar.  I prefer to call him eager.

But here is what got me.  (I like Luke's account...chapter 22.)

It was so easy for him to deny Christ.

Whoa.

I mean, good grief, he was certainly brave when he cut off the guy's ear when they came to get Jesus.

Not very long after that at all, though, we see Peter denying Jesus not once, not twice but three times.  Incredible.  Was his faith that small?

But when he realized what he had done, he wept bitterly.  He didn't just shed a few tears.  I picture him falling to the ground shaking with sobs.  I also see him realizing that Jesus knew he was going to do this.  I see Peter feeling the gravity of Jesus' love anyway.  Regardless.  Nevertheless.

So, what is the rest of the story for Peter?  Is that it?  Did he realize what he did and go hang himself like Judas?  Thankfully, not.  But we do see him continue to act eagerly.

After Jesus had risen, he appeared to the disciples, so Peter already knew He was no longer dead.  In John 21, it says that Jesus appeared to the disciples again.

Verse 7 and 8- "7Therefore that disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord!” Now when Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he put on his outer garment (for he had removed it), and plunged into the sea. ⁸ But the other disciples came in the little boat (for they were not far from land, but about two hundred cubits), dragging the net with fish.

I find that picture pretty funny.  The boat wasn't that far from the shore, but Peter felt the need to jump in the water and swim to get to his Lord faster.

Okay, recap.

Peter was eager to impress Jesus.
As soon as it became hard, he bailed.
He realized his mistake and was brokenhearted.
He became eager to impress Jesus again.

That. is. so. me.

Just sayin'.  

I constantly want to impress Jesus.  I watch what I read, watch, listen to.  I study the bible.  I teach my kids about Jesus.  I seek to impress others and gain their admiration for my "christianness" (Just keepin' it real and is that even a word?)

Then I'm tempted by something and deny Christ and go after that temptation (whatever it might be).

Then I get mad at myself and rededicate and seek again to impress Jesus.

It is a vicious cycle.  But through the rest of Peter's story there is hope and realization.

Jesus restores Peter (John 21:15-19).  Peter goes on to preach on the Day of Pentecost and to several other groups of people.  Eventually, history and tradition say that Peter was crucified upside down by orders of Nero.  He asked to be crucified upside down because he did not feel worthy of crucifixion in the same manner as Jesus.

Did you see that?  How much Peter matured?

Today, I am not proud to say that I relate to Peter the most.

But I am on a journey.  As we all are.  And I hope and pray that I can mature in my faith to the point that Peter did.  Not that I'm asking to be crucified for my beliefs.  But if it came down to it, could I be?

Or would I deny Christ again?

Thankfully, God gave Peter another chance.  I believe my journey is full of second chances ordained by God. 

Maybe I should call those chances grace and mercy.  Lord, thank you for your continuous grace and mercy.  I am so undeserving.

Just keepin' it real.

What's in a Song?

So, last night I went to Secret Church.  And it was a-mazing.  So much to think about and dwell upon and PRAY about.  I plan to write a post about it but need time to gather my thoughts.  So for today?  We enjoy some music!

I love music.

No big secret there.  I'm a music teacher.

Music is soul-filling.  Music is like another person in on the conversation.

There are some songs lately that have just spoken to my heart so much and I keep listening to them over and over.  I hope you find one or two (or all) that speak to you as well.

My favorite song right now is You Are I Am by MercyMe.



I am also loving God of Angel Armies by Chris Tomlin.



And Need You Now by Plumb.


 I love anything by Francesca Battistelli.  Here's her latest...


Then there's Third Day.  They are coming to Huntsville along with Colton Dixon.  I can't wait!  Love both of their latest songs.



And for Easter- Here's a few we are singing tomorrow...

O the Blood


You Are Stronger


A Mighty Fortess


Ahh!  I love music!

And you should hear Dave and I together.  I sing, he plays the guitar.  We can totally rock some Jesus music!


Just keepin' it real.

How do you love those you just don't feel like loving?

So, not everybody is going to like you.

That is the gut wrenching truth.  But it's especially hard when someone doesn't like you, and you just don't understand why.  And there's not a single thing you can do about it.  Except love them.

Take my neighbor...

At one time we were friends.  We hung out, talked, laughed, confided in each other.  Our boys are the same age and enjoyed playing together.  Then her attitude toward me changed.  She became distant.  When I asked her about it, she just kinda blew me off.  Well fast forward a few weeks and there was an incident in the neighborhood where her other son smarted off to me and blah, blah, blah.  I confronted her, she insulted me and my 9-year-old son and acted like a total teenager.

And we haven't spoken since.  That was almost one year ago.  I teach her child at school.  He is precious.

This whole thing may not make one bit of sense, but the point is something happened to change her opinion of me, and she turned hateful. And I don't know why.

God commands us to love each other.  I don't feel like loving her.  What's a girl to do?

After tons of prayer and thought, here is what I have come up with...

 I am going to pray for her.  Everyday.  Every time I look at her house.  Which is right across the street from mine.  Ironically, once upon a time she prayed for me.  She texted me on the first day of school last year that she was praying for me that day.  (Where's your Christian talk now, sister?)

I am going to pray that her heart is softened and that she feels God's love and grace.  I believe hurt people hurt people.  Maybe something is so out of control in her life, she needs to create drama that she thinks she can control.

I am going to pour love into her son.  He is welcome at our house anytime, and I want him to know that.  I love having him in class at school.  He makes me laugh; he is quite the character.  I want him to see that no matter what goes on between his mother and I (God knows what she has said about me in their home), it will never affect how I treat him.

I am not going to allow her view of me to affect how I feel about myself.  Been there, done that.  With this situation.  Questioning what I've done wrong, if I've handled things incorrectly.  You can drive yourself crazy doing that.

The whole thing is totally out of my control and I've asked God why.  Why, if someone is going to dislike me so strongly, does it have to be in a way that I just don't understand?

He didn't answer me.

But He told me in the bible to love.  So, even though, everything in me wants to call her names and curse her name and pump my fist at her, I am going to choose to love.  Because love is a choice.

A choice we all have to make.  Sometimes is it easy.  Other times not so much.

I love what Don Miller said on his blog today:

"So here’s the truth: God doesn’t think your crap is awesome, He doesn’t think your arrogance is beautiful and okay, but He has ten times the patience with you than your friends. Your whining and complaining and relapses into old sins are not okay with Him, but they don’t affect His love for you. He likes you more than your friends like you. He just keeps driving through the mileposts of eternity, trying to distract you with a song or a question or a smile.

That comforts me. And just knowing how much God likes you makes me like you more, too. And hopefully the fact of His love makes you like me more as well."

Here's the deal.

God loves my neighbor.  Therefore, I will love her, too. 

Just keepin' it real.

Why Just Keepin' it Real?

So, I'm blogging.

A pushy new, old friend encouraged me to do it, and I said, "I don't have anything earth shattering to share with the world."  He said, "Write anyway."  So, here I am.

On the same night I've decided to ditch most of the blogs I've been reading.

Why, you ask?

Because I am sick of it.  Sick of the constant comparison.  Me comparing myself to other mothers, other teachers, other Christians.

Why do we do this to ourselves?  Or am I the only one?  Constantly seeking out what I need to do better and then feeling absolutely inadequate when I don't measure up.  And exactly whose standard am I trying to live up to anyway?

I am a Christian.  The only standard I should care about is God's.  But we live in a world where trying to keep up with the Jones' is more prevalent than ever.  At least it is in my community. And I'm pretty sure it is in yours, too, because we all watch the same crap on TV.

And especially as Christians, we compare ourselves.  It shows in the way we put on our happy face for everybody no matter what is going on on the inside.  When I was in college, we had a bible class teacher who would go around ask everybody how they were feeling on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the best).  My roommate always felt the need to say 10.  I never understood.  I mean, I lived with her.  I knew for a fact she did not always feel like a 10.  But she felt the need to appear as if everything was dandy.  What was she afraid of?

Now as an adult (because no, we are not truly adults in college...amen?), it's only worse.

I have the best friends in the world, and I really feel I can tell them anything.  But there is still a part of me that worries, compares, feels inferior.  Why is that?

So today, I am deciding NO MORE.  I am not striving to live up to anymore man (really woman)- made standards!

My standard is the bible and the bible tells me to love.  Love God.  Love others.  To do both those things, I believe I must love myself.  I believe God wants me to love myself so I can absolutely, without partiality or hypocrisy love other people.  All other people.  Whether they live up to my standards (that I am trying to rid myself of) or not.

Does this mean I will stop trying to better myself?  Absolutely not!  I would like to lose weight (another blog, another day...stay tuned).  I would like to run faster and longer.  I would like be a better teacher.  mother.  wife.  friend.

And I would really like to feel at peace with who I am and not worry about what anybody else thinks.  Ever.  Am I asking too much?

So, I'm blogging.  An online diary for me to question and comment on the world around me.  A place to be real.  A place to become a better person.  A more well-rounded, responsible, caring, LOVING person.  Who is not afraid to speak her mind and get her hands dirty in the beautiful muck of life.  And laugh while doing it!

Oh!  And do you know why I love this blog template?  You see all those books?  Notice anything?  There are no words anywhere to be found.  No titles on the spine or anything.  Shelf after shelf of empty books just waiting for each one of us to fill up with our experiences and adventures.  Why in the world would we want to all be just alike?  How boring that would be!!

Just keepin' it real.