Dave lost his job almost 2 weeks ago. Friday will be his last day. I have been through so many emotions in the past several days, it's hard to keep them all straight. When I first found out the Holy Spirit reminded me of John 16: 33. "...In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” From the moment I found out, I have trusted that God is going to see us through this. He is going to provide for our family. And He has a plan for us.
What I struggle with is the why. Why did this have to happen to us? It's not a typical lay-off, and the story is long and depressing and infuriating. I was not expecting this to happen at all. I had just found out I received tenure. We are happy with our church and friends and family. Things were going well.
Dave has said since day one that he is choosing to view this as a blessing in disguise. I am so proud of his positive attitude. He is working his tail off trying to find another job. I told him I want him to find something that he loves. If that means moving? Well, then I will support him.
I read a quote the other day that I just love. It goes, "Until God opens the next door for you, praise Him in the hallway." I don't know who said that, but I think it is amazing and definitely worth following. God didn't promise that life would always be rosy and comfortable. Maybe ours was getting too comfortable, and God felt the need to shake things up.
I don't know the reason. But I am going to choose to praise Him and rely on Him.
A precious sweet girl suggested I read Psalm 77 today. The writer has found himself in a pretty bad storm of life. He begins questioning the Lord. He starts asking,
7 Will the Lord cast off forever?
And will He be favorable no more?
8 Has His mercy ceased forever?
Has His promise failed forevermore?
9 Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has He in anger shut up His tender mercies?
Sounds pretty desparate, huh?
But things turn around in verse 10 through the rest of the chapter. He decides to stop wallowing and chooses to remember the good that God has done. In verse 11, he says, "I will remember the works of the Lord; surely I will remember Your wonders of old."
God has done so many good things in my life. I have no doubt of that. So, while I don't understand what is going on right now, I'm going to choose to dwell on the good and to have faith that He will continue to bless me and my family.
Will there be hard days? Absolutely. One Sunday recently, I went to church and didn't want to talk to anybody and was pretty rude to my friends. I felt awful. Thankfully, they love me and accepted my apology.
I'm not perfect. Frankly, I just don't even care if I come across that way or not. There's a line in a song by JJ Heller that I love...
"Perfection has a price
But I cannot afford to live that life
It always ends the same; a fight I never win"
Of course imperfection doesn't excuse being rude by any means. But I think you know what I am getting at.
So, some days will be hard. It's amazing the roller coaster of emotions we have already felt. But God is holding us close. I can feel it. It's like He is cradling me in His arms, whispering in my ear, "Shhh. It'll all be alright. You don't know it, but I have great things in store for you. In My time, I will reveal them to you."
That, my friends, is so comforting. How do people live without the peace of God in their lives?
Just keepin' it real.
Showing posts with label Why?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Why?. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
Why am I the way I am?
So, I'm a christian.
There are so many facets to that statement, I don't even know where to start. But last year, at a ladies' retreat, we were urged to write out our testimony. Do you even know what a daunting task that is? So, I along with 2 of my closest friends, opted out and chose to sit and chat instead. An even stronger friendship between us blossomed that day, and I do not regret that decision at all.
This morning, though, as I was thinking about my blog and really what direction I want to go with it, I thought about this assignment. So I am going to share my testimony with you, dear reader. I do not want anyone who visits my blog to ever wonder where I stand in my faith or what my ultimate goal is in life.
My journey began as a baby being brought up in the church. My dad was a preacher or minister for much of my life, and we moved around working with various churches. In my family, we had nightly devotions including praying, singing and bible reading. The picture I have of my father is him sitting in a chair with a bible in one hand and a book in another with a pen and notepad and books strewn around him. There was never any doubt of my parents' strong faith in God and their desire to teach that to their children.
So, I grew up in the church and went every time the doors were opened. We were always the first ones there and the last ones to leave. We made some beautiful friendships that have lasted over the years. I even went to a Christian college.
Some really great things happened there. I met my husband, I made great memories in our choral group (The Sonshine Singers), and my bible knowledge deepened with the bible classes I got to take.
Fast forward a couple years. Dave and I married and moved here. This is where things get a little sticky. And this is where it got uncomfortable, but I am so thankful for this time because without it I wouldn't be where and who I am today.
While I have no complaints of my upbringing, I was raised in an extremely conservative church. Big deals were made over what you wore to church (and I'm not really talking about modesty), if you drank a sip of alcohol, if you clapped in church, what version of the bible you used, etc., etc. Everything seemed to be on an imaginary checklist that, if you could mark it all off, you were golden, but if you missed even one, well, that was unacceptable.
I wasn't really able to put my thoughts and feelings into words, though, until we had attended our previous church for a couple years, and I just felt this restlessness in me. Their emphasis on our own works and what we have to be doing missed the mark for me. At times, I felt like we were not even reading from the same bible!
Thankfully, I have a remarkable husband who began to change his mind on a lot of things at the same time. Actually, I truly believe God was working on our hearts simultaneously. I believe He has big things planned for our little family, and He needs us to be on the same page. On HIS page.
So, we began exploring our options. Our thoughts on church had changed, but we did not want to leave what we were raised in. We cautiously visited a church where, frankly, everything we had heard about them was negative.
I think from day one we knew this was where God was leading us.
Here is something I have struggled with for a few years...is our ultimate aim in life as Christians to glorify God or to bring others to Him? A few months ago our church came up with a new mission statement. "Making Disciples who Glorify God by Loving Him and Loving Others." Perfect! And accurate with what I read as being most important in God's eyes according to the bible.
This is the church I prayed for but doubted we would find. I love how God works things out!
It is only in the last year and a half or so that I truly understand my purpose as a Christian and my place in the church. I began to actually hunger and thirst after the Word and not merely read it because I was supposed to. Grace became tangible to me (though my dad can preach a powerful sermon on grace, so I was exposed to it as a child but not enough as an adult). Dying to myself became a goal (though I truly struggle and struggle every.single.day) Loving others, truly loving them, has definitely become a priority.
Many I know might read this whole testimony and be offended that I am talking so much about what I think and how I feel and not enough about what the bible actually says.
So, here is what I base my faith and my Christian walk on:
*I would consider this my life verse.
*I believe in the bible as the inspired word of God. This take complete faith on my part. I cannot prove to you that this is true, but I know it with all my heart.
*I am a sinner saved by Christ who died on the cross and rose three days later!
There are so many facets to that statement, I don't even know where to start. But last year, at a ladies' retreat, we were urged to write out our testimony. Do you even know what a daunting task that is? So, I along with 2 of my closest friends, opted out and chose to sit and chat instead. An even stronger friendship between us blossomed that day, and I do not regret that decision at all.
This morning, though, as I was thinking about my blog and really what direction I want to go with it, I thought about this assignment. So I am going to share my testimony with you, dear reader. I do not want anyone who visits my blog to ever wonder where I stand in my faith or what my ultimate goal is in life.
My journey began as a baby being brought up in the church. My dad was a preacher or minister for much of my life, and we moved around working with various churches. In my family, we had nightly devotions including praying, singing and bible reading. The picture I have of my father is him sitting in a chair with a bible in one hand and a book in another with a pen and notepad and books strewn around him. There was never any doubt of my parents' strong faith in God and their desire to teach that to their children.
So, I grew up in the church and went every time the doors were opened. We were always the first ones there and the last ones to leave. We made some beautiful friendships that have lasted over the years. I even went to a Christian college.
Some really great things happened there. I met my husband, I made great memories in our choral group (The Sonshine Singers), and my bible knowledge deepened with the bible classes I got to take.
Fast forward a couple years. Dave and I married and moved here. This is where things get a little sticky. And this is where it got uncomfortable, but I am so thankful for this time because without it I wouldn't be where and who I am today.
While I have no complaints of my upbringing, I was raised in an extremely conservative church. Big deals were made over what you wore to church (and I'm not really talking about modesty), if you drank a sip of alcohol, if you clapped in church, what version of the bible you used, etc., etc. Everything seemed to be on an imaginary checklist that, if you could mark it all off, you were golden, but if you missed even one, well, that was unacceptable.
I wasn't really able to put my thoughts and feelings into words, though, until we had attended our previous church for a couple years, and I just felt this restlessness in me. Their emphasis on our own works and what we have to be doing missed the mark for me. At times, I felt like we were not even reading from the same bible!
Thankfully, I have a remarkable husband who began to change his mind on a lot of things at the same time. Actually, I truly believe God was working on our hearts simultaneously. I believe He has big things planned for our little family, and He needs us to be on the same page. On HIS page.
So, we began exploring our options. Our thoughts on church had changed, but we did not want to leave what we were raised in. We cautiously visited a church where, frankly, everything we had heard about them was negative.
I think from day one we knew this was where God was leading us.
Here is something I have struggled with for a few years...is our ultimate aim in life as Christians to glorify God or to bring others to Him? A few months ago our church came up with a new mission statement. "Making Disciples who Glorify God by Loving Him and Loving Others." Perfect! And accurate with what I read as being most important in God's eyes according to the bible.
This is the church I prayed for but doubted we would find. I love how God works things out!
It is only in the last year and a half or so that I truly understand my purpose as a Christian and my place in the church. I began to actually hunger and thirst after the Word and not merely read it because I was supposed to. Grace became tangible to me (though my dad can preach a powerful sermon on grace, so I was exposed to it as a child but not enough as an adult). Dying to myself became a goal (though I truly struggle and struggle every.single.day) Loving others, truly loving them, has definitely become a priority.
Many I know might read this whole testimony and be offended that I am talking so much about what I think and how I feel and not enough about what the bible actually says.
So, here is what I base my faith and my Christian walk on:
*I would consider this my life verse.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear,
but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7
*I believe in the bible as the inspired word of God. This take complete faith on my part. I cannot prove to you that this is true, but I know it with all my heart.
16 All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, 17 that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.
2 Timothy 3:16,17
For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing,
but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.
1 Corinthians 1:18
*There is a heaven and a hell, and every person will go to one or the other. As Christians, we want to take as many with us as possible!
For
God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever
believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.
John 3:16
*God wants us to love Him above anything. This should be our motivation for reading His word, praying, obeying Him, really all we do. We don't do to gain His favor. We do because we love Him!
37 Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and great commandment.
Matthew 22:37-38
*God wants us to love everyone else and show that in our lives.
And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’
Matthew 22:39
Matthew 22:39
*God will take care of me.
And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches
in glory by Christ Jesus.
in glory by Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:19
*God always wins. And with Him, I do, too!
For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the
victory that has overcome the world—our faith.
1 John 5:4
I do not claim to be a theologian by any means. Nor do I have all the answers. And I know that my journey is far from over. My testimony will grow and evolve, and I'm pretty excited about that. I just know that without God I would be lost, hopeless, alone, and afraid.
If you are reading this and are not sure what you believe about God, I would love to have a conversation with you. Not as one who knows it all, but as a fellow human being in this crazy, twisted world simply searching for purpose.
I am praying for you.
Just keepin' it real.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Why do we even have to eat?
So, I struggle with food.
I hesitate in sharing this with the concern that those who read it will totally watch what I eat whenever around me and judge me for poor decisions made. But then I remember who I have actually shared this blog with so far, and I'm pretty sure you're not out to get me, so maybe I'm safe?
Here goes.
I love to eat. Junk.
I love to eat junk.
French fries, cheeseburgers, pizza, ice cream, chocolate. If it's bad for you, I probably love it. And fruity desserts? Am I the only one that thinks that is an oxymoron? I mean if I wanted to eat healthy, I would eat fruit. If I want dessert, give me chocolate!
Because of this fact, I make poor decisions. Often. And I love it in the moment. But then the guilt settles in.
Oh, the guilt!
First of all, I do not enjoy cooking. So we eat out a lot. And not only is that bad for me, but it is terrible for my kids. So not only do my actions affect me, they affect my kids.
Then there's the whole 1 Corinthians 6:19, 20 (19 Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? 20 For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.) and 1 Corinthians 10: 31 (Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.) which are not necessarily talking about the food you eat, but I still believe it applies.
So the problem for me is I am not happy with my weight. I have lost weight a couple of times and felt great but then it comes back because I go back to old habits. So put bad body image together with worried about my eating habits being a sin and I am at my wit's end and so sick of the struggle.
I know that God offers grace, but I truly want to honor Him and glorify Him in everything I do. And I do not feel that I am in this area of my life. For me, I believe that is a sin.
Romans 12 also comes to mind. Paul begins the chapter the following way:
1I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. 2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
Again I know that this is not really referring to food. But I really feel it has a place here.
Then there is the whole clean eating issue. The whole processed foods is so bad and causes all kinds of health problems issue. I am so not trying to make light of it, but when I dwell on it, it seriously scares me.
So, I desperately want to change my eating habits. I have thought about this. Talked about this. (Some of you who will read this know I do a LOT of talking about this.) I've prayed about it. I have asked God to take this temptation to eat junk away from me. So far, He has not obliged. But I am sure it is because He is teaching me something in this journey.
And God does show up. Always. In just the right ways. All the sudden a blogger that I read has changed her way of eating and is writing all about it. I feel like she is talking to me and answering all the questions I have along the way.
I've read Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst and even watched her videos. The things she said are incredible. But still I find it hard to put it in practice.
My diet HAS to change. The blogger I mentioned did it cold turkey. Then I've read this blog, and she has suggestions for making gradual changes which I tried. But whenever I try to eat better, as soon as I screw up, it's all over.
I'm sick of it consuming me. I mean, I often wonder what skinny people think about. But I know that we all have some sort of issue that we deal with. Food is mine.
Now, what am I going to do about it? That is the question!
I want to end with the song I have been listening to constantly. One line says, "Let me know the struggle ends."
I know there are people out there dealing with much bigger problems than mine. I get that. But this is my struggle. And I would really love for it to end.
Just keepin' it real.
I hesitate in sharing this with the concern that those who read it will totally watch what I eat whenever around me and judge me for poor decisions made. But then I remember who I have actually shared this blog with so far, and I'm pretty sure you're not out to get me, so maybe I'm safe?
Here goes.
I love to eat. Junk.
I love to eat junk.
French fries, cheeseburgers, pizza, ice cream, chocolate. If it's bad for you, I probably love it. And fruity desserts? Am I the only one that thinks that is an oxymoron? I mean if I wanted to eat healthy, I would eat fruit. If I want dessert, give me chocolate!
Because of this fact, I make poor decisions. Often. And I love it in the moment. But then the guilt settles in.
Oh, the guilt!
First of all, I do not enjoy cooking. So we eat out a lot. And not only is that bad for me, but it is terrible for my kids. So not only do my actions affect me, they affect my kids.
Then there's the whole 1 Corinthians 6:19, 20 (19 Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? 20 For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.) and 1 Corinthians 10: 31 (Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.) which are not necessarily talking about the food you eat, but I still believe it applies.
So the problem for me is I am not happy with my weight. I have lost weight a couple of times and felt great but then it comes back because I go back to old habits. So put bad body image together with worried about my eating habits being a sin and I am at my wit's end and so sick of the struggle.
I know that God offers grace, but I truly want to honor Him and glorify Him in everything I do. And I do not feel that I am in this area of my life. For me, I believe that is a sin.
Romans 12 also comes to mind. Paul begins the chapter the following way:
1I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. 2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
Again I know that this is not really referring to food. But I really feel it has a place here.
Then there is the whole clean eating issue. The whole processed foods is so bad and causes all kinds of health problems issue. I am so not trying to make light of it, but when I dwell on it, it seriously scares me.
So, I desperately want to change my eating habits. I have thought about this. Talked about this. (Some of you who will read this know I do a LOT of talking about this.) I've prayed about it. I have asked God to take this temptation to eat junk away from me. So far, He has not obliged. But I am sure it is because He is teaching me something in this journey.
And God does show up. Always. In just the right ways. All the sudden a blogger that I read has changed her way of eating and is writing all about it. I feel like she is talking to me and answering all the questions I have along the way.
I've read Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst and even watched her videos. The things she said are incredible. But still I find it hard to put it in practice.
My diet HAS to change. The blogger I mentioned did it cold turkey. Then I've read this blog, and she has suggestions for making gradual changes which I tried. But whenever I try to eat better, as soon as I screw up, it's all over.
I'm sick of it consuming me. I mean, I often wonder what skinny people think about. But I know that we all have some sort of issue that we deal with. Food is mine.
Now, what am I going to do about it? That is the question!
I want to end with the song I have been listening to constantly. One line says, "Let me know the struggle ends."
I know there are people out there dealing with much bigger problems than mine. I get that. But this is my struggle. And I would really love for it to end.
Just keepin' it real.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
How do you love those you just don't feel like loving?
So, not everybody is going to like you.
That is the gut wrenching truth. But it's especially hard when someone doesn't like you, and you just don't understand why. And there's not a single thing you can do about it. Except love them.
Take my neighbor...
At one time we were friends. We hung out, talked, laughed, confided in each other. Our boys are the same age and enjoyed playing together. Then her attitude toward me changed. She became distant. When I asked her about it, she just kinda blew me off. Well fast forward a few weeks and there was an incident in the neighborhood where her other son smarted off to me and blah, blah, blah. I confronted her, she insulted me and my 9-year-old son and acted like a total teenager.
And we haven't spoken since. That was almost one year ago. I teach her child at school. He is precious.
This whole thing may not make one bit of sense, but the point is something happened to change her opinion of me, and she turned hateful. And I don't know why.
God commands us to love each other. I don't feel like loving her. What's a girl to do?
After tons of prayer and thought, here is what I have come up with...
I am going to pray for her. Everyday. Every time I look at her house. Which is right across the street from mine. Ironically, once upon a time she prayed for me. She texted me on the first day of school last year that she was praying for me that day. (Where's your Christian talk now, sister?)
I am going to pray that her heart is softened and that she feels God's love and grace. I believe hurt people hurt people. Maybe something is so out of control in her life, she needs to create drama that she thinks she can control.
I am going to pour love into her son. He is welcome at our house anytime, and I want him to know that. I love having him in class at school. He makes me laugh; he is quite the character. I want him to see that no matter what goes on between his mother and I (God knows what she has said about me in their home), it will never affect how I treat him.
I am not going to allow her view of me to affect how I feel about myself. Been there, done that. With this situation. Questioning what I've done wrong, if I've handled things incorrectly. You can drive yourself crazy doing that.
The whole thing is totally out of my control and I've asked God why. Why, if someone is going to dislike me so strongly, does it have to be in a way that I just don't understand?
He didn't answer me.
But He told me in the bible to love. So, even though, everything in me wants to call her names and curse her name and pump my fist at her, I am going to choose to love. Because love is a choice.
A choice we all have to make. Sometimes is it easy. Other times not so much.
I love what Don Miller said on his blog today:
Here's the deal.
God loves my neighbor. Therefore, I will love her, too.
Just keepin' it real.
That is the gut wrenching truth. But it's especially hard when someone doesn't like you, and you just don't understand why. And there's not a single thing you can do about it. Except love them.
Take my neighbor...
At one time we were friends. We hung out, talked, laughed, confided in each other. Our boys are the same age and enjoyed playing together. Then her attitude toward me changed. She became distant. When I asked her about it, she just kinda blew me off. Well fast forward a few weeks and there was an incident in the neighborhood where her other son smarted off to me and blah, blah, blah. I confronted her, she insulted me and my 9-year-old son and acted like a total teenager.
And we haven't spoken since. That was almost one year ago. I teach her child at school. He is precious.
This whole thing may not make one bit of sense, but the point is something happened to change her opinion of me, and she turned hateful. And I don't know why.
God commands us to love each other. I don't feel like loving her. What's a girl to do?
After tons of prayer and thought, here is what I have come up with...
I am going to pray for her. Everyday. Every time I look at her house. Which is right across the street from mine. Ironically, once upon a time she prayed for me. She texted me on the first day of school last year that she was praying for me that day. (Where's your Christian talk now, sister?)
I am going to pray that her heart is softened and that she feels God's love and grace. I believe hurt people hurt people. Maybe something is so out of control in her life, she needs to create drama that she thinks she can control.
I am going to pour love into her son. He is welcome at our house anytime, and I want him to know that. I love having him in class at school. He makes me laugh; he is quite the character. I want him to see that no matter what goes on between his mother and I (God knows what she has said about me in their home), it will never affect how I treat him.
I am not going to allow her view of me to affect how I feel about myself. Been there, done that. With this situation. Questioning what I've done wrong, if I've handled things incorrectly. You can drive yourself crazy doing that.
The whole thing is totally out of my control and I've asked God why. Why, if someone is going to dislike me so strongly, does it have to be in a way that I just don't understand?
He didn't answer me.
But He told me in the bible to love. So, even though, everything in me wants to call her names and curse her name and pump my fist at her, I am going to choose to love. Because love is a choice.
A choice we all have to make. Sometimes is it easy. Other times not so much.
I love what Don Miller said on his blog today:
"So here’s the truth: God doesn’t think your crap is awesome, He
doesn’t think your arrogance is beautiful and okay, but He has ten times
the patience with you than your friends. Your whining and
complaining and relapses into old sins are not okay with Him, but they
don’t affect His love for you. He likes you more than your friends like
you. He just keeps driving through the mileposts of eternity, trying to
distract you with a song or a question or a smile.
That comforts me. And just knowing how much God likes you makes me
like you more, too. And hopefully the fact of His love makes you like me
more as well."
Here's the deal.
God loves my neighbor. Therefore, I will love her, too.
Just keepin' it real.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Why Just Keepin' it Real?
So, I'm blogging.
A pushy new, old friend encouraged me to do it, and I said, "I don't have anything earth shattering to share with the world." He said, "Write anyway." So, here I am.
On the same night I've decided to ditch most of the blogs I've been reading.
Why, you ask?
Because I am sick of it. Sick of the constant comparison. Me comparing myself to other mothers, other teachers, other Christians.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Or am I the only one? Constantly seeking out what I need to do better and then feeling absolutely inadequate when I don't measure up. And exactly whose standard am I trying to live up to anyway?
I am a Christian. The only standard I should care about is God's. But we live in a world where trying to keep up with the Jones' is more prevalent than ever. At least it is in my community. And I'm pretty sure it is in yours, too, because we all watch the same crap on TV.
And especially as Christians, we compare ourselves. It shows in the way we put on our happy face for everybody no matter what is going on on the inside. When I was in college, we had a bible class teacher who would go around ask everybody how they were feeling on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the best). My roommate always felt the need to say 10. I never understood. I mean, I lived with her. I knew for a fact she did not always feel like a 10. But she felt the need to appear as if everything was dandy. What was she afraid of?
Now as an adult (because no, we are not truly adults in college...amen?), it's only worse.
I have the best friends in the world, and I really feel I can tell them anything. But there is still a part of me that worries, compares, feels inferior. Why is that?
So today, I am deciding NO MORE. I am not striving to live up to anymore man (really woman)- made standards!
My standard is the bible and the bible tells me to love. Love God. Love others. To do both those things, I believe I must love myself. I believe God wants me to love myself so I can absolutely, without partiality or hypocrisy love other people. All other people. Whether they live up to my standards (that I am trying to rid myself of) or not.
Does this mean I will stop trying to better myself? Absolutely not! I would like to lose weight (another blog, another day...stay tuned). I would like to run faster and longer. I would like be a better teacher. mother. wife. friend.
And I would really like to feel at peace with who I am and not worry about what anybody else thinks. Ever. Am I asking too much?
So, I'm blogging. An online diary for me to question and comment on the world around me. A place to be real. A place to become a better person. A more well-rounded, responsible, caring, LOVING person. Who is not afraid to speak her mind and get her hands dirty in the beautiful muck of life. And laugh while doing it!
Oh! And do you know why I love this blog template? You see all those books? Notice anything? There are no words anywhere to be found. No titles on the spine or anything. Shelf after shelf of empty books just waiting for each one of us to fill up with our experiences and adventures. Why in the world would we want to all be just alike? How boring that would be!!
Just keepin' it real.
A pushy new, old friend encouraged me to do it, and I said, "I don't have anything earth shattering to share with the world." He said, "Write anyway." So, here I am.
On the same night I've decided to ditch most of the blogs I've been reading.
Why, you ask?
Because I am sick of it. Sick of the constant comparison. Me comparing myself to other mothers, other teachers, other Christians.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Or am I the only one? Constantly seeking out what I need to do better and then feeling absolutely inadequate when I don't measure up. And exactly whose standard am I trying to live up to anyway?
I am a Christian. The only standard I should care about is God's. But we live in a world where trying to keep up with the Jones' is more prevalent than ever. At least it is in my community. And I'm pretty sure it is in yours, too, because we all watch the same crap on TV.
And especially as Christians, we compare ourselves. It shows in the way we put on our happy face for everybody no matter what is going on on the inside. When I was in college, we had a bible class teacher who would go around ask everybody how they were feeling on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the best). My roommate always felt the need to say 10. I never understood. I mean, I lived with her. I knew for a fact she did not always feel like a 10. But she felt the need to appear as if everything was dandy. What was she afraid of?
Now as an adult (because no, we are not truly adults in college...amen?), it's only worse.
I have the best friends in the world, and I really feel I can tell them anything. But there is still a part of me that worries, compares, feels inferior. Why is that?
So today, I am deciding NO MORE. I am not striving to live up to anymore man (really woman)- made standards!
My standard is the bible and the bible tells me to love. Love God. Love others. To do both those things, I believe I must love myself. I believe God wants me to love myself so I can absolutely, without partiality or hypocrisy love other people. All other people. Whether they live up to my standards (that I am trying to rid myself of) or not.
Does this mean I will stop trying to better myself? Absolutely not! I would like to lose weight (another blog, another day...stay tuned). I would like to run faster and longer. I would like be a better teacher. mother. wife. friend.
And I would really like to feel at peace with who I am and not worry about what anybody else thinks. Ever. Am I asking too much?
So, I'm blogging. An online diary for me to question and comment on the world around me. A place to be real. A place to become a better person. A more well-rounded, responsible, caring, LOVING person. Who is not afraid to speak her mind and get her hands dirty in the beautiful muck of life. And laugh while doing it!
Oh! And do you know why I love this blog template? You see all those books? Notice anything? There are no words anywhere to be found. No titles on the spine or anything. Shelf after shelf of empty books just waiting for each one of us to fill up with our experiences and adventures. Why in the world would we want to all be just alike? How boring that would be!!
Just keepin' it real.
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