Satan has been attacking me like crazy lately. And I've allowed him to.
I have been weak. I have allowed him to mess with my mind and question my worth and standing as a child of God. He has pushed me to question my faith and the love of the Father.
But God is good. And He is faithful.
Yesterday I had a meltdown. I didn't want to go to church yesterday morning, and I wasn't going to, but Dave begged me to go. I didn't know he would care so much, and he never begs me for anything, so I begrudgingly agreed (not before throwing some things around in the bathroom though).
When we got home, I just broke down. First I got mad. I said I didn't want to hear how God has a plan and He knows what our future holds and He cares for us. I said it was all BS. I didn't and don't really think that. It was Satan and my anger talking. Then something came out of my mouth that I didn't even realize I had been feeling.
I said, "I just don't feel God close to me. I feel so alone in this situation as far as He is concerned and don't feel that He cares to make Himself known to me."
Whoa.
And then the most amazing things happened. I went for a bike ride to clear my mind. I came back and got on the Internet for a bit and totally coincidentally came across this song:
I never even heard of this group before, but they were singing exactly how I felt!!
But the line in there that got me was
All that seems to matter is I don't feel you anymore
I thought it was pretty cool that God showed me this song.
Then before I went to bed I read from the book Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl by Lysa Terkeurst. This is an amazing book that has spoken to me from every single chapter I read.
So, I opened it up and wouldn't you know the title of the chapter is What Do I Do When I Don't Feel God?
Seriously. I can't make this stuff up. God heard me cry out and met me there to remind me that He is always there.
There is so much meat in what she says in this chapter, I wish I could just quote so much of it. But I really liked this line.
God wants us to stand on the absolute truth that He is with us no matter how my feelings may betray that reality.
She goes on to say God is close, and if I choose to be close back, He'll rearrange my feelings.
She says we must choose to recognize that God is close. Psalm 9:10 reads, "And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; For You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You." The NLT says the word abandon for forsaken.
I have felt abandoned by God. Like He allowed this situation with Dave's job to happen, then He just took off and left us to fend for ourselves. Maybe this sounds melodramatic. And I realize that I just wrote about praising Him in the hallway. The whole time I haven't been worried about Dave finding a new job. I just wanted to feel God's presence and love towards us.
Today is a much different day than yesterday as far as how I feel about all this. I truly feel God. Though I don't think He has done anything differently, He just heard my cry and extended ways to comfort me. He used the things I love, music and books, to say I am here. I've got this. I've got you. I always have.
He is amazing. I am so blessed.
Side note- I will probably read this post over and over in the coming weeks as a reminder because as much as long to be strong 100% of the time, I fail the vast majority of it. Life is hard.
Just keepin' it real.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Friday, June 14, 2013
Hands Free Mama
I guess it's time I posted about my little experience with my media fast for the month of May. Now that it is over, I can say it was a good experiment. Not totally realistic to keep up for a long amount of time. Just because of this technological day and age.
There were times I really enjoyed it. And there were times I was so frustrated. I felt like I was being grounded or something. I might've even mumbled, "It's not fair!" Wow! Hello, teenager self!
As I was going through the month I was also reading a Proverb a day. In case you don't know, Proverbs is all about wisdom. So, I began to pray for God to give me more wisdom and I was specific in using what I was reading in Proverbs.
By the end of the month I had convinced myself that I didn't really have a problem with media at all, and would this month just hurry up and be over so that I can get on with my facebooking, instagramming, pinteresting, blog-reading, texting, radio-blaring, TV show-watching life already?
Then I read Proverbs 25. And the last verse totally knocked me over. It reads...
Whoever has no rule over his own spirit
Is like a city broken down, without walls.
This was my lesson for the month. This is what God wanted to teach me! I was getting to the point where I was really frustrated because I felt like I wasn't doing anything bad with media, so why was I even doing this fast anyways and I was ready to be done.
God showed me that yes, I was using media for good things (texting encouragement, listening to wayfm, not watching bad stuff on tv, etc.) but what I really needed to open my eyes to was how much time I was spending on it and how it was taking away from my family. That part of it was out of control! And a broken down city without walls is a city that allows anything to come in and take over.
I need to have discipline and I need to be wiser about using that discipline for how much time I spend on media before my walls are broken down and I allow anything in to take over. Not only because of the time spent on it, but good things can quickly turn to bad. Does any of that make sense? I have gone through all different emotions this month regarding this fast, but God, gracious God, has brought me through and helped me look in and see exactly what needs to change and how.
And so now, here we are halfway through June, and you know what? I have totally gone back to how I was before the fast. How quickly we learn a lesson and how quickly we forget.
So this is when intentionality comes into play. Starting today, I am going to really watch how much time I spend on media, especially my phone. I never want my kids to think my phone is more important to me than them.
I really like the things I've been reading on Hands Free Mama. I think she is totally onto something.
This post is especially inspiring me! I may just have to come up with our own contract!
I can't say that things will magically change. I know myself, and I always have good intentions, but rarely reach them at all. But the media fast showed me that I absolutely can do with out, and I absolutely can have self-control. Given to me by God.
Without Him, I would so give into all my selfish desires. I almost always do anyways. Even with Him. I'm working on that. At least trying to. Including media.
Just keepin' it real.
There were times I really enjoyed it. And there were times I was so frustrated. I felt like I was being grounded or something. I might've even mumbled, "It's not fair!" Wow! Hello, teenager self!
As I was going through the month I was also reading a Proverb a day. In case you don't know, Proverbs is all about wisdom. So, I began to pray for God to give me more wisdom and I was specific in using what I was reading in Proverbs.
By the end of the month I had convinced myself that I didn't really have a problem with media at all, and would this month just hurry up and be over so that I can get on with my facebooking, instagramming, pinteresting, blog-reading, texting, radio-blaring, TV show-watching life already?
Then I read Proverbs 25. And the last verse totally knocked me over. It reads...
Whoever has no rule over his own spirit
Is like a city broken down, without walls.
This was my lesson for the month. This is what God wanted to teach me! I was getting to the point where I was really frustrated because I felt like I wasn't doing anything bad with media, so why was I even doing this fast anyways and I was ready to be done.
God showed me that yes, I was using media for good things (texting encouragement, listening to wayfm, not watching bad stuff on tv, etc.) but what I really needed to open my eyes to was how much time I was spending on it and how it was taking away from my family. That part of it was out of control! And a broken down city without walls is a city that allows anything to come in and take over.
I need to have discipline and I need to be wiser about using that discipline for how much time I spend on media before my walls are broken down and I allow anything in to take over. Not only because of the time spent on it, but good things can quickly turn to bad. Does any of that make sense? I have gone through all different emotions this month regarding this fast, but God, gracious God, has brought me through and helped me look in and see exactly what needs to change and how.
And so now, here we are halfway through June, and you know what? I have totally gone back to how I was before the fast. How quickly we learn a lesson and how quickly we forget.
So this is when intentionality comes into play. Starting today, I am going to really watch how much time I spend on media, especially my phone. I never want my kids to think my phone is more important to me than them.
I really like the things I've been reading on Hands Free Mama. I think she is totally onto something.
This post is especially inspiring me! I may just have to come up with our own contract!
I can't say that things will magically change. I know myself, and I always have good intentions, but rarely reach them at all. But the media fast showed me that I absolutely can do with out, and I absolutely can have self-control. Given to me by God.
Without Him, I would so give into all my selfish desires. I almost always do anyways. Even with Him. I'm working on that. At least trying to. Including media.
Just keepin' it real.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Praise You in This Storm (and the Hallway)
Dave lost his job almost 2 weeks ago. Friday will be his last day. I have been through so many emotions in the past several days, it's hard to keep them all straight. When I first found out the Holy Spirit reminded me of John 16: 33. "...In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” From the moment I found out, I have trusted that God is going to see us through this. He is going to provide for our family. And He has a plan for us.
What I struggle with is the why. Why did this have to happen to us? It's not a typical lay-off, and the story is long and depressing and infuriating. I was not expecting this to happen at all. I had just found out I received tenure. We are happy with our church and friends and family. Things were going well.
Dave has said since day one that he is choosing to view this as a blessing in disguise. I am so proud of his positive attitude. He is working his tail off trying to find another job. I told him I want him to find something that he loves. If that means moving? Well, then I will support him.
I read a quote the other day that I just love. It goes, "Until God opens the next door for you, praise Him in the hallway." I don't know who said that, but I think it is amazing and definitely worth following. God didn't promise that life would always be rosy and comfortable. Maybe ours was getting too comfortable, and God felt the need to shake things up.
I don't know the reason. But I am going to choose to praise Him and rely on Him.
A precious sweet girl suggested I read Psalm 77 today. The writer has found himself in a pretty bad storm of life. He begins questioning the Lord. He starts asking,
7 Will the Lord cast off forever?
And will He be favorable no more?
8 Has His mercy ceased forever?
Has His promise failed forevermore?
9 Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has He in anger shut up His tender mercies?
Sounds pretty desparate, huh?
But things turn around in verse 10 through the rest of the chapter. He decides to stop wallowing and chooses to remember the good that God has done. In verse 11, he says, "I will remember the works of the Lord; surely I will remember Your wonders of old."
God has done so many good things in my life. I have no doubt of that. So, while I don't understand what is going on right now, I'm going to choose to dwell on the good and to have faith that He will continue to bless me and my family.
Will there be hard days? Absolutely. One Sunday recently, I went to church and didn't want to talk to anybody and was pretty rude to my friends. I felt awful. Thankfully, they love me and accepted my apology.
I'm not perfect. Frankly, I just don't even care if I come across that way or not. There's a line in a song by JJ Heller that I love...
"Perfection has a price
But I cannot afford to live that life
It always ends the same; a fight I never win"
Of course imperfection doesn't excuse being rude by any means. But I think you know what I am getting at.
So, some days will be hard. It's amazing the roller coaster of emotions we have already felt. But God is holding us close. I can feel it. It's like He is cradling me in His arms, whispering in my ear, "Shhh. It'll all be alright. You don't know it, but I have great things in store for you. In My time, I will reveal them to you."
That, my friends, is so comforting. How do people live without the peace of God in their lives?
Just keepin' it real.
What I struggle with is the why. Why did this have to happen to us? It's not a typical lay-off, and the story is long and depressing and infuriating. I was not expecting this to happen at all. I had just found out I received tenure. We are happy with our church and friends and family. Things were going well.
Dave has said since day one that he is choosing to view this as a blessing in disguise. I am so proud of his positive attitude. He is working his tail off trying to find another job. I told him I want him to find something that he loves. If that means moving? Well, then I will support him.
I read a quote the other day that I just love. It goes, "Until God opens the next door for you, praise Him in the hallway." I don't know who said that, but I think it is amazing and definitely worth following. God didn't promise that life would always be rosy and comfortable. Maybe ours was getting too comfortable, and God felt the need to shake things up.
I don't know the reason. But I am going to choose to praise Him and rely on Him.
A precious sweet girl suggested I read Psalm 77 today. The writer has found himself in a pretty bad storm of life. He begins questioning the Lord. He starts asking,
7 Will the Lord cast off forever?
And will He be favorable no more?
8 Has His mercy ceased forever?
Has His promise failed forevermore?
9 Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has He in anger shut up His tender mercies?
Sounds pretty desparate, huh?
But things turn around in verse 10 through the rest of the chapter. He decides to stop wallowing and chooses to remember the good that God has done. In verse 11, he says, "I will remember the works of the Lord; surely I will remember Your wonders of old."
God has done so many good things in my life. I have no doubt of that. So, while I don't understand what is going on right now, I'm going to choose to dwell on the good and to have faith that He will continue to bless me and my family.
Will there be hard days? Absolutely. One Sunday recently, I went to church and didn't want to talk to anybody and was pretty rude to my friends. I felt awful. Thankfully, they love me and accepted my apology.
I'm not perfect. Frankly, I just don't even care if I come across that way or not. There's a line in a song by JJ Heller that I love...
"Perfection has a price
But I cannot afford to live that life
It always ends the same; a fight I never win"
Of course imperfection doesn't excuse being rude by any means. But I think you know what I am getting at.
So, some days will be hard. It's amazing the roller coaster of emotions we have already felt. But God is holding us close. I can feel it. It's like He is cradling me in His arms, whispering in my ear, "Shhh. It'll all be alright. You don't know it, but I have great things in store for you. In My time, I will reveal them to you."
That, my friends, is so comforting. How do people live without the peace of God in their lives?
Just keepin' it real.
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