Why am I the way I am?

So, I'm a christian.

There are so many facets to that statement, I don't even know where to start.  But last year, at a ladies' retreat, we were urged to write out our testimony.  Do you even know what a daunting task that is?  So, I along with 2 of my closest friends, opted out and chose to sit and chat instead.  An even stronger friendship between us blossomed that day, and I do not regret that decision at all.

This morning, though, as I was thinking about my blog and really what direction I want to go with it, I thought about this assignment.  So I am going to share my testimony with you, dear reader.  I do not want anyone who visits my blog to ever wonder where I stand in my faith or what my ultimate goal is in life.

My journey began as a baby being brought up in the church.  My dad was a preacher or minister for much of my life, and we moved around working with various churches.  In my family, we had nightly devotions including praying, singing and bible reading.  The picture I have of my father is him sitting in a chair with a bible in one hand and a book in another with a pen and notepad and books strewn around him.  There was never any doubt of my parents' strong faith in God and their desire to teach that to their children.

So, I grew up in the church and went every time the doors were opened.  We were always the first ones there and the last ones to leave.  We made some beautiful friendships that have lasted over the years.  I even went to a Christian college.

Some really great things happened there.  I met my husband, I made great memories in our choral group (The Sonshine Singers), and my bible knowledge deepened with the bible classes I got to take.

Fast forward a couple years.  Dave and I married and moved here.  This is where things get a little sticky.  And this is where it got uncomfortable, but I am so thankful for this time because without it I wouldn't be where and who I am today.

While I have no complaints of my upbringing, I was raised in an extremely conservative church.  Big deals were made over what you wore to church (and I'm not really talking about modesty), if you drank a sip of alcohol, if you clapped in church, what version of the bible you used, etc., etc.  Everything seemed to be on an imaginary checklist that, if you could mark it all off, you were golden, but if you missed even one, well, that was unacceptable.

I wasn't really able to put my thoughts and feelings into words, though, until we had attended our previous church for a couple years, and I just felt this restlessness in me.  Their emphasis on our own works and what we have to be doing missed the mark for me.  At times, I felt like we were not even reading from the same bible!

Thankfully, I have a remarkable husband who began to change his mind on a lot of things at the same time.  Actually, I truly believe God was working on our hearts simultaneously.  I believe He has big things planned for our little family, and He needs us to be on the same page.  On HIS page.

So, we began exploring our options.  Our thoughts on church had changed, but we did not want to leave what we were raised in.  We cautiously visited a church where, frankly, everything we had heard about them was negative.

I think from day one we knew this was where God was leading us. 

Here is something I have struggled with for a few years...is our ultimate aim in life as Christians to glorify God or to bring others to Him?  A few months ago our church came up with a new mission statement. "Making Disciples who Glorify God by Loving Him and Loving Others."  Perfect!  And accurate with what I read as being most important in God's eyes according to the bible.

This is the church I prayed for but doubted we would find.  I love how God works things out!

It is only in the last year and a half or so that I truly understand my purpose as a Christian and my place in the church.  I began to actually hunger and thirst after the Word and not merely read it because I was supposed to.  Grace became tangible to me (though my dad can preach a powerful sermon on grace, so I was exposed to it as a child but not enough as an adult).  Dying to myself became a goal (though I truly struggle and struggle every.single.day)  Loving others, truly loving them, has definitely become a priority.

Many I know might read this whole testimony and be offended that I am talking so much about what I think and how I feel and not enough about what the bible actually says.

So, here is what I base my faith and my Christian walk on:

*I would consider this my life verse.

 For God has not given us a spirit of fear,

 but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

2 Timothy 1:7

*I believe in the bible as the inspired word of God.  This take complete faith on my part.  I cannot prove to you that this is true, but I know it with all my heart.

¹⁶ All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, ¹⁷ that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.

2 Timothy 3:16,17

*I am a sinner saved by Christ who died on the cross and rose three days later!

 For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, 

but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. 

1 Corinthians 1:18

*There is a heaven and a hell, and every person will go to one or the other.  As Christians, we want to take as many with us as possible!

 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever 

 believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

 John 3:16

*God wants us to love Him above anything.  This should be our motivation for reading His word, praying, obeying Him, really all we do.  We don't do to gain His favor.  We do because we love Him!

³⁷ Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ ³⁸ This is the first and great commandment. 

Matthew 22:37-38

*God wants us to love everyone else and show that in our lives.

And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’
Matthew 22:39

*God will take care of me. 

And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches
in glory by Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:19

*God always wins.  And with Him, I do, too!

For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the

 victory that has overcome the world—our faith.

1 John 5:4

I do not claim to be a theologian by any means.  Nor do I have all the answers.  And I know that my journey is far from over.  My testimony will grow and evolve, and I'm pretty excited about that.  I just know that without God I would be lost, hopeless, alone, and afraid.

If you are reading this and are not sure what you believe about God, I would love to have a conversation with you.  Not as one who knows it all, but as a fellow human being in this crazy, twisted world simply searching for purpose.

I am praying for you.

Just keepin' it real.

How do you love those you just don't feel like loving?

So, not everybody is going to like you.

That is the gut wrenching truth.  But it's especially hard when someone doesn't like you, and you just don't understand why.  And there's not a single thing you can do about it.  Except love them.

Take my neighbor...

At one time we were friends.  We hung out, talked, laughed, confided in each other.  Our boys are the same age and enjoyed playing together.  Then her attitude toward me changed.  She became distant.  When I asked her about it, she just kinda blew me off.  Well fast forward a few weeks and there was an incident in the neighborhood where her other son smarted off to me and blah, blah, blah.  I confronted her, she insulted me and my 9-year-old son and acted like a total teenager.

And we haven't spoken since.  That was almost one year ago.  I teach her child at school.  He is precious.

This whole thing may not make one bit of sense, but the point is something happened to change her opinion of me, and she turned hateful. And I don't know why.

God commands us to love each other.  I don't feel like loving her.  What's a girl to do?

After tons of prayer and thought, here is what I have come up with...

 I am going to pray for her.  Everyday.  Every time I look at her house.  Which is right across the street from mine.  Ironically, once upon a time she prayed for me.  She texted me on the first day of school last year that she was praying for me that day.  (Where's your Christian talk now, sister?)

I am going to pray that her heart is softened and that she feels God's love and grace.  I believe hurt people hurt people.  Maybe something is so out of control in her life, she needs to create drama that she thinks she can control.

I am going to pour love into her son.  He is welcome at our house anytime, and I want him to know that.  I love having him in class at school.  He makes me laugh; he is quite the character.  I want him to see that no matter what goes on between his mother and I (God knows what she has said about me in their home), it will never affect how I treat him.

I am not going to allow her view of me to affect how I feel about myself.  Been there, done that.  With this situation.  Questioning what I've done wrong, if I've handled things incorrectly.  You can drive yourself crazy doing that.

The whole thing is totally out of my control and I've asked God why.  Why, if someone is going to dislike me so strongly, does it have to be in a way that I just don't understand?

He didn't answer me.

But He told me in the bible to love.  So, even though, everything in me wants to call her names and curse her name and pump my fist at her, I am going to choose to love.  Because love is a choice.

A choice we all have to make.  Sometimes is it easy.  Other times not so much.

I love what Don Miller said on his blog today:

"So here’s the truth: God doesn’t think your crap is awesome, He doesn’t think your arrogance is beautiful and okay, but He has ten times the patience with you than your friends. Your whining and complaining and relapses into old sins are not okay with Him, but they don’t affect His love for you. He likes you more than your friends like you. He just keeps driving through the mileposts of eternity, trying to distract you with a song or a question or a smile.

That comforts me. And just knowing how much God likes you makes me like you more, too. And hopefully the fact of His love makes you like me more as well."

Here's the deal.

God loves my neighbor.  Therefore, I will love her, too. 

Just keepin' it real.