Depression

There it is.  That word.

It's what myself and many other people deal with in life.

Here's my story (so far...)

I first knew something was off in the few months before I turned 30 almost 5 years ago.  I had never felt the way I was feeling.  I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning.  I was exercising, but it didn't seem to be helping.  I remember one particular day just coming back from a run and sitting on the bed with my husband, the tears would not stop.  The crazy thing was I could not tell him why.  At the time my kids were about 3 and 5.  I would take them to my parents' house because I knew my parents would play with them and entertain them.  I did not have the energy to, to deal with them basically.  Finally, I, after talking to Dave and my parents (who were incredibly supportive), decided to go talk to my family doctor.  After some conversation, she put me on an anti-depressant.

I do not want to have to take this medication for the rest of my life.  But I tried to stop taking it once and it was not a good thing.  Even now, when I do not take it every day consistently, I can tell a difference.  So, I try to take it like I'm supposed to.  I still miss sometimes and I think its my subconscious screaming at me that I don't want to have to take it.

For a few years, I seemed to be doing pretty well.  I mean, I often feel that I don't deal with things the way "normal" people do, whatever that means.  But for the most part, I just didn't really think about depression much.

Well, now with Dave losing his job, I am having a pretty rough time.  It's looking pretty likely that we will have to move.  I am devastated on many different levels about that.  So, honestly I just get to the point where I don't know how to deal with it.  I'm not good at pretending I am okay when I am not.  Some days are better than others, but that is just it.  I don't know how I am going to feel from day to day.

I believe God sent me someone two days ago to discuss all this with me and to remind me that I need to be taking this depression thing a little more seriously.  There are two sides to it.  You see, I believe on some level I cannot help it when I am having a doozy of a day and don't want to get out of bad and all I do is scream at my kids.  But on another level I have a choose to recognize this about myself and seek out ways to fight it.  For my family's sake.

For example, I read that aspartame negatively affects those who battle depression.  So I am cutting out all soda.  I'm going to be vocalizing some positive affirmations daily.  I'm going to come up with some plans to keep my days working and in some sort of routine.

Will this all be full proof?  No.  Because sometimes I just flat out feel like life sucks and I don't want to participate.

There is so much more I want to say on this topic.  But for now I just wanted to put it out there and ask for prayers.  I have a feeling with all that is going on with Dave's job it could get way worse before it gets better especially if we have to move and start all over again.

Just keepin' it real.