Feeling God

Satan has been attacking me like crazy lately.  And I've allowed him to.


I have been weak.  I have allowed him to mess with my mind and question my worth and standing as a child of God.  He has pushed me to question my faith and the love of the Father.

But God is good.  And He is faithful.

Yesterday I had a meltdown.  I didn't want to go to church yesterday morning, and I wasn't going to, but Dave begged me to go.  I didn't know he would care so much, and he never begs me for anything, so I begrudgingly agreed (not before throwing some things around in the bathroom though).

When we got home, I just broke down.  First I got mad.  I said I didn't want to hear how God has a plan and He knows what our future holds and He cares for us.  I said it was all BS.  I didn't and don't really think that.  It was Satan and my anger talking.  Then something came out of my mouth that I didn't even realize I had been feeling.

I said, "I just don't feel God close to me.  I feel so alone in this situation as far as He is concerned and don't feel that He cares to make Himself known to me."

Whoa.

And then the most amazing things happened.  I went for a bike ride to clear my mind.  I came back and got on the Internet for a bit and totally coincidentally came across this song:



I never even heard of this group before, but they were singing exactly how I felt!! 

But the line in there that got me was

All that seems to matter is I don't feel you anymore

I thought it was pretty cool that God showed me this song.

Then before I went to bed I read from the book Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl by Lysa Terkeurst.  This is an amazing book that has spoken to me from every single chapter I read.

So, I opened it up and wouldn't you know the title of the chapter is What Do I Do When I Don't Feel God?

Seriously.  I can't make this stuff up.  God heard me cry out and met me there to remind me that He is always there.

There is so much meat in what she says in this chapter, I wish I could just quote so much of it.  But I really liked this line.

God wants us to stand on the absolute truth that He is with us no matter how my feelings may betray that reality.

She goes on to say God is close, and if I choose to be close back, He'll rearrange my feelings.

She says we must choose to recognize that God is close.  Psalm 9:10 reads, "And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; For You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You."  The NLT says the word abandon for forsaken.

I have felt abandoned by God.  Like He allowed this situation with Dave's job to happen, then He just took off and left us to fend for ourselves.  Maybe this sounds melodramatic.  And I realize that I just wrote about praising Him in the hallway.  The whole time I haven't been worried about Dave finding a new job.  I just wanted to feel God's presence and love towards us.

Today is a much different day than yesterday as far as how I feel about all this.  I truly feel God.  Though I don't think He has done anything differently, He just heard my cry and extended ways to comfort me.  He used the things I love, music and books, to say I am here.  I've got this.  I've got you.  I always have.

He is amazing.  I am so blessed.

Side note- I will probably read this post over and over in the coming weeks as a reminder because as much as long to be strong 100% of the time, I fail the vast majority of it.  Life is hard.

Just keepin' it real.